Personal Fears

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, and something inspired me to reach out. Lately, I have been writing in my journal every few days to get my thoughts out and share my feelings, sometimes they’re too personal to say to someone else. I used to journal all the time but stopped when I was with my ex because I never felt secure enough or like I had any privacy to write. I started back up again and wrote something that I was surprised about. Sometimes my personal writing goes in all sorts of directions because I’m writing for myself so I will write the first thing that comes to mind. This time I was shocked where my writing had led me.

The first thing that I wrote in my journal was “I should never have feared being alone, or not being in a relationship, I should have feared the wrong companionship.”

The second thing I wrote was “I am proud of who I’ve become.”

It shook me that I wrote that. I can never say these words out loud, and because I had stopped journaling, they have never come out. Sure, I will say it on a blog or on a Facebook post, but there is something so uplifting about writing it down in your personal journal, it makes it more meaningful.

I’m not saying I will never be in another relationship, but I am saying I have raised my standards, I will not give up my freedom for a man, and I will not be confined by a man. There are certain things I will do for me, to keep myself whole in a relationship. When I start fearing companionship is when I will leave.

A little over a year ago I had thought my life was over, I was horribly sad, and waited way too long for a man who didn’t want me for who I am. I wasn’t proud of myself, I was a shell of a person who let others dictate life. I am no longer that person and good freaking god I am so damn proud of myself, and the fact that my wandering mind came to the same conclusion is a reason to celebrate.